


I used to be alone before I knew you

by Madalena



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst with a Happy Ending, Concerned Alec Lightwood, Episode: s02e12 You Are Not Your Own, Episode: s02e13 Those of Demon Blood, Episode: s02e14 The Fair Folk, Episode: s02e15 A Problem of Memory, Grinding, Lapdance, M/M, Magnus Bane Deserves Nice Things, Magnus is Not Okay, Oral Sex, Sex as a distraction, handjobs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-17
Updated: 2017-07-17
Packaged: 2018-12-03 04:21:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11524455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Madalena/pseuds/Madalena
Summary: Five times Magnus uses sex as a distraction to avoid talking about feelings, and one time he finally tells Alec what's been keeping him up at night. Set in the time span from 2x12 to 2x15.





	I used to be alone before I knew you

**Author's Note:**

> Also known as the "there are so many lines from so many songs from so many genres that make me think of Malec and their pain and feels in 2B so let me quote them at you at random" fic.
> 
> Mostly canon compliant, with slight divergences from 2x15 (because dammit, Magnus and Alec can't have that talk and then go straight to the Institute to transfer Valentine. Let the boys sleep for a night before chaos ensues).

**1.**

_“Love is not a victory march, it’s a cold and it’s a broken hallelujah”_ (Jeff Buckley, "Hallelujah")

“Magnus, tell me how to fix this. Just tell me what to do. Please.”

Magnus closed his eyes. He knew the proper response would be to talk. Lay it all out, tell Alec the truth - the emotions and feelings and _guilt_ from his past that the Agony rune had brought back to the forefront of his mind. That he shouldn’t use Alec’s own feelings of guilt for his own selfish purposes, knowing that the Shadowhunter wouldn’t deny him anything he asked for in this moment of pain, of weakness.

But no one had ever accused him of being noble.

So when Alec once again whispered a soft “please”, Magnus gave him an answer.

It was certainly not the one the Shadowhunter had been expecting, because his eyes widened in shock when Magnus moved to straddle him and plastered their lips together.

Magnus pulled back briefly, looking Alec in the eye with as much enthusiasm as he could muster. “I want you to help me feel comfortable in my own skin again. To erase the taint of Valentine from my body.” He rolled his hips against Alec so that he understood precisely what kind of _comfort_ he was seeking.

“You’re sure?” Alec asked softly, ever caring, ever so _infuriatingly_ loving (assuming Magnus was in the right body, Magnus didn’t want to think about when he wasn’t, not now, not when he wanted to forget everything, including his own name). “You’re sure this is what you want?”

“Yes.” Magnus said firmly. “Please, Alexander.”

Alec kissed him softly and put his hands firmly on the back of Magnus’ thighs, standing up and hoisting Magnus up with him. Magnus wrapped his legs around Alec, and let him carry him to the bedroom.

Magnus was impatient when they got there, snapping his fingers to rid them of their clothes as soon as they made it onto the bed, but getting control back over his magic was still a work in progress, so it took four snaps and three instances of his wardrobe flying open and drawers opening and closing before their clothes were on the ground.

“Are you sure you’re all right?” Alec asked, concerned.

“I’m not all right.” At least he could be that honest. “Valentine has been using my magic, it doesn’t feel like me, my body doesn’t feel like me, because he was _in_ it, and I need it to all be _me_ again. Do you understand?”

Alec kissed him gently along the jaw, working his way to his lips. “I do. I just… I just don’t want us being together in a delicate painful moment like this to be something you regret later. I don’t want to be someone you regret.”

Magnus’ eyes flooded with tears. “I could never regret you Alexander.” That much was also true, Alec might not know it yet, but Magnus knew, he knew, that he could never be without Alec. It wasn’t an option anymore, he was in too deep. But maybe that did mean giving Alec some more honesty, more than he was comfortable with. So he took a deep breath and continued. “I… I know we should talk. But right now it is… too raw. Too fresh. I need to… not think about it right now. I just want to _feel_. I want to be loved. Do you love me Alexander?”

“I do.” Alec kissed Magnus delicately on the lips, running a hand over his cheek. “I love you so much and I’m so sorry for everything I put you through.”

“I know you are.” Magnus mirrored Alec’s gesture. “I love you and I forgive you. But _please_ , no more talking right now. Just feeling.”

Alec nodded, kissing him again, then leaving tiny kisses along his jaw, his collarbone, and lower, lower… when Alec wrapped his lips around Magnus’ cock the warlock let out a long shaky breath and felt the tension bleed out from his body.

“Yes.” Magnus whispered softly, more to himself than to Alec. An affirmation that this was right, that this would help, that this would keep the nightmares at bay. It could be a false hope, but it was the only hope Magnus had to cling to right now.

And so he clung. Magnus curled his fingers into Alec’s hair, not pushing or pulling, just grounding himself with the feel of his Shadowhunter, trying to banish all other thoughts from his mind.

It wouldn’t last, but for the moment, it would be enough.

 

**2.**

_“They say before you start a war, you better know what you’re fighting for”_ (The Cab, "Angel with a Shotgun")

“Magnus, you were right. You never have to prove yourself to me. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Magnus reached in to kiss Alec again, their lips meeting softly, these moments the only ones that brought him any peace from the memories in his head. Dorothea and the whiskey hadn’t brought him any peace or comfort, just nostalgia, which sometimes burned more than the present.

He pulled Alec’s hips to his own, deepening the kiss, wanting to feel more of him, still chasing that elusive peace. But Alec pulled back, and Magnus closed his eyes for a moment, steeling himself for the inevitable Conversation that they had yet to have after the bodyswap.

“I… I’m sorry. I didn’t have any right to ask of you what I did. I wasn’t thinking. Especially after what you’ve gone through. You don’t owe me or the Clave anything.”

“I understand why you thought you had to do what you did.” Magnus said quietly, looking down, not meeting Alec’s eyes.

“But I shouldn’t have done it. And it’s not going to happen again. I destroyed the hair you gave me. It isn’t in the Clave’s records. And I’m going to make sure requests like that never happen again. Here in New York, at least, they won’t.”

“How will you do that?”

“Well, I am the new Head of the New York Institute. Changes are going to be made as to how we do things.”

Magnus raised his head at that, now meeting Alec’s gaze. The Shadowhunter looked equal parts pleased, nervous and terrified.

“I… I need you to tell me when I’m out of line.” Alec stuttered. “I… sometimes I’m an idiot. I’m going to try. Really try. To have at least one city in the world where Shadowhunters and Downworlders work together. But that can’t happen if Shadowhunters keep acting like they do.”

Magnus nodded slowly. “I’ll help you. And I believe congratulations are in order, no?” He smiled, pulling Alec towards the balcony doors by the belt loops.

“You want to congratulate me for treating you badly today?” Alec asked, incredulous.

“I want to congratulate you for being named Head of the Institute.” Magnus said, running his hands along Alec’s belt. “That deserves congratulations, doesn’t it?”

“Maybe once I’ve actually done something of note…” Alec stepped back, rubbing the back of his neck. “I feel horrible over how I treated you today.”

“You’re forgiven.” Magnus said. “Is… is that all you came to say?”

“I… well… do you want me here?”

“You know I do.” Magnus stepped back into Alec’s personal space. “Please don’t go.” He tried to keep the desperation out of his voice, but he could feel the memories starting to press back in, even with Alec’s presence.

Alec ran his hands hesitantly over Magnus’ arms. “Okay. I’ll stay.”

“Excellent.” Magnus pressed himself close to Alec, and captured his lips in a kiss, giving himself over to the simple sensation, and as Alec responded, resumed his tugging towards the doors.

They made it only as far as the couch before Magnus had enough of waiting, pushing Alec back on the the cushions and then straddling him.

“Touch me, Alexander.” Magnus whispered hoarsely. “Make me come.”

Alec nodded vigorously, stripping them both of their shirts, before struggling with Magnus’ belt, eventually finding the buckle for it and pulling it out of the loops entirely before dropping it on the floor. His hand went to Magnus’ fly, and he looked back up at Magnus with wide eyes, continuing when Magnus nodded.

As Alec’s hand closed over his cock, Magnus moaned softly, arching into Alec’s touch. He balanced himself on Alec’s shoulders, leaning in to kiss him again, nipping at Alec’s bottom lip as the Shadowhunter sped up the pace of his hand.

His orgasm took him by surprise, and as he came with a start he tasted blood, and Alec hissed. Magnus broke off the kiss, seeing blood on Alec’s lips.

“Sorry, sorry.” Magnus whispered between heavy breaths. He moved one hand from Alec’s shoulder, already tingling with magic, ready to heal the cut on Alec’s lip, but Alec caught his hand in mid-air.

“It’s okay.” Alec ran his tongue over his lip, eyes still fixated on Magnus’, pupils blown wide as his breath started to get heavier. “I… I liked it.”

Magnus _purred_ , sliding his hands down the sides of Alec’s head. “Is that right?”

“I’m not looking for any introductions to vampires or anything, just… if you do it sometimes, it’s okay.”

“Noted.” Magnus brought their lips together again as Alec ground up against him, chasing his own pleasure. But the angle wasn’t quite right anymore, and Alec grunted in frustration until Magnus took pity on him, undoing his belt and fly and shoving his hand into his boxers. A couple dozen strokes of the warlock’s slim fingers and Alec was also panting out his release.

They rested against each other, boneless, until Magnus summoned up enough energy to Portal them straight to the bed, and they collapsed into each other’s arms. Magnus’ nightmares were banished temporarily to the far corners of his mind, until Alec fell asleep nuzzled into his chest, and Magnus was left with his own thoughts again.

 

**3.**

_“There is no peace that I’ve found so far”_ (Snow Patrol, "Set the Fire to the Third Bar")

After Luke’s absolutely _foolish_ attempt on Valentine’s life, Isabelle and Maryse had dismissed the rest of the Downworlder representatives while Alec spoke to Luke.

Magnus trudged towards the door, resigning himself to another evening with his favourite bottle of whiskey when Isabelle grabbed his arm.

“He’ll come.” She said. “He will.”

“My dear, your brother is a busy man, Head of the Institute now, lots of responsibilities. I can’t expect for him to drop everything to-”

“Mr Bane.” Alec’s voice rang out through the hall.

Magnus looked up with a start, first at Isabelle, who gave him a knowing look, and then to Alec, who was coming down the hall with Luke at his side. As they reached Magnus and Isabelle, he nodded at his sister, and she continued along to the door with Luke, while Alec stopped in front of Magnus.

“Thank you for coming tonight, Mr Bane.” Alec said, with a devious glint in his eye. “I just need to hear a report from Mr Way- _Herondale_ and Miss Fairchild on their mission to the Seelie Court, and then I would like to continue our meeting in a more… private setting?”

“What did you have in mind, Mr Lightwood?” Magnus asked, playing coy.

“If you could wait in my office, I’ll be along in a few minutes.” Alec motioned with his head in the direction of his office. “We will be able to have a better conversation then. If you’re amenable to that, Mr Bane.”

“Of course. Anything for the Head of the New York Institute.”

They shook hands formally, and Magnus changed course to Alec’s office, while Alec returned to the Ops Center, where Jace waited, Clary having disappeared.

Magnus entered Alec’s office, and closed the door behind him. Alone, he dropped his formal facade, making sure to look away from the cameras, so they couldn’t see how tired he looked. How tired he felt. He fiddled with his rings nervously, wondering what precisely Alec had in mind. Whether Alec had realized how he’d been flirting, or whether it had been unintentional. Whether Alec would make him talk, which he’d still managed to avoid thus far, though their contact over the past week had been minimal while Alec had settled into his duties as the Head of the Institute.

A week that Magnus had been sleeping on his own. If it could be called sleeping. He’d always made it to his bed, but after hours of memories or nightmares or both, he’d stop trying, and embrace his alcohol or his coffee or his tea and not try again for the rest of the night.

His sanity was holding on by a thread. And that thread’s name was Alexander Lightwood. Even if Alec didn’t know it, even if Magnus wasn’t brave enough to say it… it was still true.

Magnus stopped his pacing, sitting down on the couch next to the fireplace, even though the fire wasn’t currently lit. He could have changed that with a flourish of his hand, but he didn’t expect to be waiting long. He kept fiddling with his rings, whispering a mantra he’d picked up long ago, when he’d traveled through India. At times, it helped him clear his mind, helped him drive the nightmares away.

This was not one of those times. The words came, but the peace they usually brought did not. Magnus’ breathing sped up in a panic, and he reached blindly for his alcohol cart, before realizing he wasn’t at home. He dug his nails into the palms of his hands, hoping that the bite of pain would focus his energies and calm him.

It started to work. His breath evened out. Then the door opened behind him and he scrambled to his feet. He sighed in relief when he saw that it was Alec.

Alec shut the door behind him, and came up to stand in front of Magnus.

“Mr Lightwood.” Magnus said carefully, looking up at Alec.

“Mr Bane. Thank you for meeting me here. Now, I was hoping that a change of venue would be acceptable for this private meeting.”

“What do you propose?”

Alec stepped into Magnus’ personal space in a decidedly non-professional manner, and whispered in his ear. “I was hoping we could go home.”

_Home._

Is that what Alec considered Magnus’ place now? Could he? Was that what he meant? Or was Magnus reading everything incorrectly?

Magnus licked his lips carefully. “And by home…”

Alec stepped back and put his hands lightly on Magnus’ waist. “Magnus? Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” He said tightly. “Just… I’m not sure what you meant.”

“I’m sorry, maybe it is too soon for me to call your loft home? But I feel more at home there than I do here, and…” Alec rubbed one of his hands on the back of his neck, like he did whenever he was nervous. “I just thought…”

Magnus smiled. “You’re more than welcome to call my home your home, Alexander.” He waved his hand and a Portal appeared. “Come on.”

They stepped through the Portal together, landing in the front entryway. As soon as their footing was stable, Alec grabbed Magnus by the lapels and kissed him, hot and hungry. Magnus backed Alec against a wall, and they ground against each other for a few minutes, lips sliding together, until finally Alec wrenched himself away so that he could speak.

“I’ve been wanting to do that all night.” Alec whispered huskily.

“Is that right?” Magnus asked teasingly, running a finger down the middle of Alec’s chest, buttons of his shirt opening themselves by magic. “Won’t someone notice that you’re not at the Institute?”

“Probably. But I’m in charge. That comes with certain privileges. If they need me, they can call. But I _really_ hope they don’t call. I have plans for you, Mr Bane.”

“Is that so, Mr Lightwood? What would the Head of the New York Institute require from the High Warlock of Brooklyn at this late hour?”

“You.”

“I’m sorry?”

Alec sighed. “Okay, I’m bad at this roleplaying thing. But you calling me Mr Lightwood just sounds so hot. And I really want you. And it was true what I said, that I feel more at home here than the Institute, and I’d really like it if I could spend the night with you more often. Sorry if that’s weird, I…” Alec swallowed heavily. “I just wanted to be honest. I love you, and I just wanted there to be one day that I see you and I don’t screw everything up but I seem to be doing that and…”

Magnus put his finger to Alec’s lips, and he smiled, remembering the first time that Magnus had done that.

“Stop babbling.” Magnus said with a smile. “You didn’t screw anything up today. You did everything perfectly. You’re more than welcome to spend as much time here as you want. Especially overnight. I… I sleep better when you’re here.”

Alec smiled and rubbed his thumb over Magnus’ cheek. “Have you been sleeping at all recently?”

“Some.” Magnus’ smile didn’t reach his eyes this time, though it technically wasn’t a lie. Nightmares had come, which meant he had slept. Technically.

“Good. But if you sleep better when I’m here, I’m here.” Alec said seriously. “I’ll be here. For you. Anything you need.”

“What I need, right now, is you out of these clothes, Mr Lightwood.” Magnus smiled, unfastening Alec’s belt with magic now, making his pants sit looser on his hips.

Alec smiled and melted into a kiss. “I do love it when you call me that, Mr Bane.” He murmured, shifting his lips to Magnus’ ear and then kissing down the side of his neck.

“Then shall we move this to the bedroom? I believe our meeting could be much more productive and comfortable there.” Magnus’ breath hitched as Alec licked over his pulse point.

“I don’t know.” Alec mumbled into his neck. “I think formality requires that I make you fall apart on your desk.”

“My desk? Why Mr Lightwood, so forward.”

“Well we’re not at the Institute anymore, Mr Bane. We can’t very well use my desk.”

Alec slowly walked Magnus backwards to his desk in the corner of the living room, not for a moment disengaging his lips from Magnus’ neck. Once they reached it, Alec finally shifted his mouth, moving back to meet Magnus’ lips, again running his thumb over Magnus’ cheek.

“Do you want this?”

Magnus nodded, keeping Alec’s gaze steadily, as he unfastened his own belt and fly, Alec’s hands slipping beneath the fabric of his boxers to slide the pants off of Magnus’ hips. The belt hit the ground with a _thunk_ , but neither paid it any mind as Alec’s hands swept over the curves of Magnus’ ass, fingers then digging into the meat of his thighs as Alec lifted the warlock onto his desk.

Magnus summoned a bottle of lube from the bedroom into Alec’s hand, and the Shadowhunter pressed him back against the wall with a bruising kiss. Alec slicked up his fingers, and pressed one against the warlock’s entrance, slowly slipping inside as he relaxed into the touch.

“I want to watch you come apart just like this.” Alec whispered into his ear. “Just with my fingers. Can you do that, Mr Bane?”

“Yes. Yes.” Magnus said, eyes closing as he concentrated on the feel of Alec inside him. “Please.”

Alec slipped a second finger into him, crooking them so he could hit that spot that made Magnus moan brokenly, head dropping onto Alec’s shoulder. Alec slipped his free hand around the warlock, holding him close as his other hand continued to make Magnus fall apart.

_“I love you.”_ Alec whispered over and over into Magnus’ hair, pressing a third finger in. As that third finger brushed his prostate, Magnus gave one last moan, finally coming apart in Alec’s arms.

Overcome with exhaustion, he fell asleep right there in Alec’s arms, the Shadowhunter carrying him to bed and finishing undressing him, slipping him into bed, and wrapping himself around the sleeping warlock, as if he could protect him from the nightmares.

The nightmares came, and Magnus started awake yet again, but he stayed in the warm comfort of Alec’s arms until the voices of his memories got so loud that he feared they’d wake him up too, and so he’d slip out of bed and go make his coffee, leaving Alec to sleep on.

 

**4.**

_“Uh-oh, running now, I close my eyes/But, oh, I got stamina”_ (Sia, “The Greatest”)

Night was falling. Alec hadn’t yet returned from the Institute, which he’d promised to do. Magnus had finished up a few minor jobs for clients, and was now alone with his thoughts again.

A dangerous place to be.

He’d been drowning the voices in alcohol for so long that it no longer had any effect. So if he wanted to maintain some semblance of sanity, he needed a different way to drown them out.

And so Magnus found himself dancing around his loft with headphones on, hoping the music would drown out the voices and the dancing would exhaust him sufficiently that he could collapse in Alec’s arms when he got home and let sleep claim him.

He had set his music player to shuffle, going through all genres and centuries of music, until one song almost stopped him in his tracks. He knew the musician personally, he’d helped her with a variety of privacy charms when her career had gone big, but this song that was equal parts despair and hope that captured his current mood.

_“… don’t give up, I won't give up, no, no no…”_

Don’t give up indeed. Magnus resumed his dancing and twirling, coming to an abrupt stop when he crashed into a warm solid body.

_Alexander._

Magnus pulled off his headphones and looked up into Alec’s warm eyes. “Hey you. You’re home.”

Alec smiled. “Yeah. I am.” He kissed Magnus gently. “What’s up with the dancing?”

“Oh, you know. Just needed to blow off some steam. Care to join me?”

“Oh, no… I’m not a dancer. You want Izzy for that, not me.”

“But I do want you.” Magnus pulled their hips close and ran his lips over Alec’s Deflect rune, making the Shadowhunter shudder, which gave Magnus an idea. “Hmm, well, if you don’t wish to dance, I do still have an idea.”

Alec raised an eyebrow. “And what would that idea be?”

Magnus snapped his fingers, summoning a chair behind Alec and gently pushing him down into it. “Sit. Watch. No touching.”

“No… touching… huh? What?”

“My darling Alexander, have you never heard of a lapdance?”

“A what - oh.” His eyes got big. “You mean… you’ll dance for me? _On_ me? Naked?”

“Not at first, darling. All good things in time. You’ll need to be patient.” Magnus ran his fingertip down over Alec’s lips, making him grin and dart out his tongue to try and lick Magnus’ finger, but he moved it away before he could make contact.

Magnus stepped back, dropping his phone and headphones on the coffee table, and with a wave of his hand he turned on his stereo system and selected the best songs to dance to for this fantasy.

For he had fantasized about this - dancing for Alec. Dancing _dirty_ for Alec. He lined up three songs on his system and started to move.

As the first song started, he stayed back from Alec, well away from touching range. It was a relatively fast song, more to set the mood with its lyrics than anything else. It didn’t leave much opportunity for overt sensuality with his movements, but with the aid of some magic, as he trailed his hand down his chest during the introduction, it slipped open, and he flashed his cat eyes.

_“When the dark of the night comes around/that's the time, that the animal comes alive/looking for something wild…”_

Even as he moved, he kept his eyes firmly on Alec, and he saw how the other man’s eyes were glued to the movement of his hips.

_“When they take it off, when they take it off everybody take it off/there's a place I know if you're looking for a show/where they go hardcore and there's glitter on the floor…”_

His breath was racing by the end of the song, and as the next one started up, Magnus could see that even though Alec was sitting still, his breath was almost as heavy as his own. The bulge in his pants indicated that he was definitely very _very_ interested in watching Magnus move.

The next song was much slower, and very sensual. Magnus didn’t know how well Alec knew Spanish (he knew Isabelle did, but didn’t know if her brother had paid as much attention), but as he moved closer to Alec, and slipped his shirt off his shoulders, moving his hips in a sensual rhythm, he could tell that it wasn’t necessary to know the words for Alec to appreciate how they made Magnus move.

_“Quiero respirar tu cuello despacito/deja que te diga cosas al oído/para que te acuerdes si no estás conmigo…”_

Here Magnus did move into Alec’s personal space, his hips moving in slow circles over Alec’s lap as he leaned over him to let out a soft breath along his neck. Magnus could see the goosebumps appear in the wake of his breath, and could see that Alec was struggling to keep his hands still and not touching.

Backing away for a few verses, Magnus made his magic work for him and turned his slacks into tearaways, whose removal Alec _really_ appreciated, if the glint in his eye and the slow lick of his tongue over his lip were any indication.

_“Quiero desnudarte a besos despacito/firmar en las paredes de tu laberinto/y hacer de tu cuerpo todo un manuscrito…”_

Magnus moved back to Alec, now lightly grinding on the Shadowhunter’s lap, running light waves of magic over his chest, as this song came to an end, and the final song started up.

Magnus turned around, facing away from Alec, and ground against Alec for a bit longer, until the chorus started up, when he (appropriately) strutted away, turned, and with a flourish of magic that turned his underwear into tearaways as well, pulled them off to leave himself naked in front of Alec.

_“Get on the floor, just let it drop/don't it feel good, don't it feel hot/feel the fire within…”_

He spent most of the song moving tantalizingly just out of Alec’s reach, and then for the bridge finally moved back to grind more purposefully down into Alec’s lap.

_“I'll be your mirror/darling, let your hair down/show me what you're working with and let me see you…”_

As the song drew to a close, Magnus ground down one final time, entwined his fingers in Alec’s hair, pulled lightly, and licked a long stripe right over Alec’s Deflect rune, feeling the Shadowhunter shudder apart beneath him.

“Holy _fuck_.” Alec panted. “Who knew dancing could be that hot?”

“I believe I did.” Magnus teased.

“Can I please touch you now?” Alec begged, hands hovering over Magnus’ waist. “Please?”

“Of course.”

Magnus closed his eyes and moaned as Alec’s hand closed around his cock, jerking him slowly, and then faster, faster, faster, until he came all over the Shadowhunter’s lap.

He collapsed into Alec’s embrace, mind blissed beyond thought.

Yes, music was a _very_ effective way to drown out the voices of his memories, especially if Alec was there to watch him.

 

**5.**

_“All I really care is you wake up in my arms/one last time”_ (Ariana Grande, “One Last Time”)

It was late. Very late. And Alec wasn’t home yet. He hadn’t even sent a message, which made Magnus worry even more.

Magnus curled up in bed wearing one of Alec’s sweaters, cradling his phone to his chest, waiting for any ring or beep to come out of it, an indication that Alec was all right, that he was on his way home, that he would be there to drive away the memories screaming inside his head. Tears were springing to his eyes, and he had to bite his lip to stop from screaming himself.

Suddenly, he heard a clunk and clatter by the front door, and breathed a sigh of relief. Magnus stood fluidly, dropping his phone on the nightstand, and went to greet his boyfriend.

When Magnus made it to the front hall, he gasped at the sight. Alec had unfastened and dropped his apparently empty thigh holster, but was now sitting on the floor himself, resting up against the door, eyes closed.

He was also soaking wet.

“Alexander, what happened?”

“Nest of water demons down on Staten Island. Don’t even know what they’re called, might be a new species.”

“Are you injured?”

“Just my pride. One of them swiped me off the pier and I got wet. Lost my stele and my seraph blades in the water. And my phone is a wet brick. We had to take the ferry back to Manhattan. Then I walked here.”

“Oh, Alexander… come with me. Let’s get you out of those wet clothes, warm you up.”

Alec didn’t complain as Magnus helped him up and led him to the bathroom, stripping him down and drawing a warm bath. Alec sighed with contentment when he stepped into the warm water, sinking down into the bubbles.

It was only then when he got a good look at Magnus, and saw him wrapped up in his sweater and nothing else. It was big on Magnus, and it reached just to his mid-thighs, but it was still… his ratty sweater.

Alec raised an eyebrow. “Why are you wearing my sweater?”

“I missed you.” Magnus said softly, kneeling down next to the tub, taking Alec’s hand.

Alec smiled and kissed Magnus’ forehead. “I’m here now. Take it off and come join me in here. There’s plenty of room. Come on, it’ll relax you too.”

Magnus pulled the sweater off and dropped it on the counter next to the sink. He stepped carefully into the tub, letting Alec guide him, so that he didn’t step on him.

When Magnus had settled into the tub, Alec pulled him in close, enveloping him in his arms, kissing along his neck gently.

“Hey… I was supposed to be taking care of you.” Magnus said, but still leaning gently into the touch.

“We can take care of each other.” Alec whispered softly. “You need this too. You’ve been tense all week. I know you haven’t been sleeping much. It’s been two mornings I’ve woken up and you haven’t been in bed with me.”

Magnus didn’t say anything, but pulled his knees to his chest, resting his chin on one of them. Alec shifted one of his hands to run along Magnus’ side, up to his shoulder, massaging the tense muscles there.

“Please, talk to me.” Alec implored. “I know you’re hurting. Let me… let me just listen.”

“I’m fine.”

Alec sighed and rested his forehead against Magnus’ shoulder, next to where his hand was still massaging the skin. He wouldn’t push. He’d promised himself that he’d let Magnus work through things on his own time. But this had been going on long enough. The warlock was slipping from him, even if he didn’t seem to notice it himself. And Alec could only cling on as tightly as he could, soaking in whatever he could before he disappeared completely.

They stayed in the bathtub for a long time, not talking, not moving, and Alec suspected that Magnus had done something magical to the water so that it didn’t get cold.

“Come on. Let’s get to bed.” Alec whispered. “I need to be at the Institute early tomorrow morning. Or is it today already?”

Magnus made a muffled sound against his knees, but didn’t make any move to get up. Alec sighed again and then shifted him forward, so that he could stand and get out of the tub, flipping the switch to let the water drain out. He towelled himself off quickly, and then wrapped another towel around Magnus’ shoulders, drying him off the best he could.

Magnus finally reacted, drawing the towel around himself, then standing up and out of the tub, pressing himself up to Alec, looking up at him with big eyes filled with unshed tears.

“Please.” Magnus said softly.

“Please what?”

“Take care of me.”

“I’m trying. But you need to tell me what you need. You need to talk to me.”

“Please make love to me.”

“Magnus…”

“Being with you… it helps chase away the nightmares.”

Oh. _Oh._

“They’re so loud, they take over my every waking and sleeping moment… but whenever I’m with you… they just disappear.”

Alec ran a thumb under Magnus’ eye. “Okay. For today. But the next time you ask, we’re going to talk instead, all right? We’re going to talk about these nightmares. You need to let me in. Then we can work on making them go away. Together.” He wrapped his arms around Magnus, feeling him bury his face in his shoulder. “I feel like I’m losing you.”

“Please don’t leave me.”

“I’m not leaving. But it feels like I’m losing you. Promise me that we’ll talk.”

“I promise.” It was faint, and it was muffled, but it was there. That promise.

“Okay. Then let me take care of you.” He ghosted his lips over Magnus’ temple as the warlock finally looked up at him with a faint smile.

They discarded their towels and moved into the bedroom. Magnus stretched out on the bed and Alec followed him, taking the bottle of lube that was passed to him. Alec prepared him slowly, lips never leaving each other’s, until that moment when Alec finally pressed inside, his breath hitching and lips moving a hair’s breadth away from Magnus’, before the warlock pulled him back in.

Alec moved slowly, carefully, watching for Magnus’ every movement and reaction. Their breathing was soft and even, and Magnus’ hands skated over Alec’s back, as if he was reassuring himself that Alec was there, feeling him, being there for him.

Alec broke off the kiss to rest their foreheads together. “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. _I love you._ ” He whispered, grinding into Magnus as he hitched his knees up further around Alec’s hips, changing the angle.

_You say that now._ Magnus thought. _But what will happen when you learn my true self?_ He clung onto Alec with even more desperation. If this was to be the last time he’d feel Alec in him, he was determined to feel every inch of his skin against him. For Magnus was certain when Alec learned the truth, he would leave, and then nothing would stop Magnus from falling apart completely, without anyone to guide him back.

All he would have to cling to was this one last time.

 

**+1.**

_“Then I see your face/I know I’m finally yours/I find everything/I thought I lost before/You call my name/I come to you in pieces/so you can make me whole”_ (Red, “Pieces”)

“Magnus.”

Magnus was startled out of the memory that had been running through his head, again, and again. He lit up when he saw it was Alec.

“Hello. I was just about to make myself a drink. Do you want one?”

“Magnus, you have a drink in your hand already.”

Magnus looked at the half-full martini glass in his hand. So he did. Dammit. “So I do. But would you like a nightcap yourself?”

“I’m good.”

“Shall we take this evening to the bedroom then?” He had a fake cheer in his voice, he knew it. But he was just so _tired_.

“I love you. And I know something’s wrong.”

“I’m fine.”

“No, you’re not. You haven’t been sleeping. You’ve been distracting yourself with sex. And I’ve been letting you. But I told you, that was the last time. We need to talk about these nightmares that are keeping you up. Remember when you said if things get crazy don’t push me away? That goes both ways.”

Magnus worried his hands together, fumbling over his fingers. _Well, I guess this is it._

“When I was tortured in Valentine’s body, that Agony rune, it made me relive my worst memory. And now, I can’t get it out of my head. Every time I close my eyes…” Magnus sighed and dropped into a chair.

Alec knelt in front of him, eyes full of love and caring. Magnus tried to meet them, if only to see that love and care for what could be the last moments.

“What is it?” Alec asked.

“Remember I told you that I found my mother dead by her own hand? My stepfather found me shortly after. He screamed at me. He called me an abomination.”

“What?”

“He was right. He blamed me for her suicide. He said that she hated herself for giving birth to a monster. So I lashed out. With all the magic I had.” Magnus’ tears started falling and he was powerless to stop them. “I burned him, Alexander. Right where he stood. I murdered my stepfather.”

“You were just a boy. You weren’t in control of your powers.”

“Yes. Actually I was. I never wanted you to see this… this terrible ugly side of me. Of my past.” Magnus looked down, he couldn’t bear to look up and see his beautiful Alexander’s face marred by any sort of hate or anger or revulsion.

“Hey.” Alec said softly, reaching a hand up to cup the side of Magnus’ head. Only then did he dare look up, still uncertain, waiting for the Shadowhunter to continue.

“There’s nothing ugly about you.” Alec said with conviction, pulling Magnus into a hug.

Magnus felt his breath leave him, and he wrapped his arms around Alec as well, eyes closing, letting himself hope for a moment that things would be okay. That maybe Alec wasn’t going to leave him. That Alec would be here.

Magnus didn’t know how long they stayed there in the hug, but as long as Alec wasn’t breaking it, he wouldn’t either. Not when that voice was whispering _he’s still here he’s still here he’s still here_ and he felt he needed to hold on while he still could.

After some time, Alec did finally pull back, but only enough to rest his hands on either side of Magnus’ face.

“I love you.” Alec said softly. “ _I love you._ Nothing will change that.”

“You sound so sure.”

“I am. You can talk to me about your past. I won’t judge you for what has happened in the past. It is the past. I only care about what I see now, and that is a loving, caring, wonderful man who will do anything for the people he cares about. Who loves so hard that he’d rather tear himself apart than risk hurting them in any way.”

“Will you stay with me?”

_“Always.”_ Alec drew Magnus’ lips to his own, a soft and chaste kiss, but one that promised the world - a world of possibilities, a world of possible futures, a world with futures _with Alec_.

Alec drew Magnus up into his arms, and eventually they moved to the bedroom. They undressed slowly, and slipped under the covers together, just holding each other.

Alec pressed a kiss to Magnus’ temple as he ran his hands down his back reassuringly. “Sleep. I’m here.”

Magnus slept. And for the first time in weeks, there were no nightmares.

**Author's Note:**

> The songs in part four:
> 
> Sia - The Greatest  
> Kesha - Take It Off  
> Luis Fonsi feat. Daddy Yankee - Despacito (English translation available here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/despacito-lyrics-english-translation_us_59272008e4b062f96a34f844)  
> Adam Lambert - Strut
> 
> Title is from Jeff Buckley's "Hallelujah".


End file.
